Confessions of a Chubby Girl....by Stacey Adamz

Breaking the Cycle by Sarah B

I've always been bigger.

As I've gotten older, my weight has changed so much over the years. The smallest I have even been was a 14 and the biggest was a 26 (this is as of February '10). Right now, I'm sitting comfortably at a size 18, which is the size that I was in before I ended up pregnant with my son Reign. Now, being a bigger girl growing up, I was ALWAYS apprehensive about approaching a guy or I was always conscious of the fact that I was one of the biggest people I hung around. Most of my friends are tiny, petite things and I always felt like people would look at us as a group and think, "Who the hell is the big ole bitch they're hanging out with?"

It was always awkward when I was younger and would cruise Lindbergh or go out to "all ages" clubs because all the guys would be hitting on the cute friends and I would be purse sitting. It took me quite a few groups of friends that I felt comfortable around to even want to go out. To this day, I still don’t go out with certain people because I get anxious in large crowds of people that I'm being judged and it sucks.

I think my insecurities have led to the string of unsuccessful relationships that I've had too. Pre-separation from my husband, I always felt I had to settle for whoever gave me the time of day. My long term relationship before my soon to be ex husband was for four years with a guy we will call Adam.

When I met Adam, he was a talker and he was not bad looking at all. At first, I was amazed he was even talking to me. He lived in Illinois and I still live in South County at the time. He ended up coming over one night to drink and staying at my house for three weeks. I was so happy because I would go to work and come home and dinner would be done and he was just amazing. He had a young daughter (Joey was about 4 months old) who he said lived with the mom and he never got to see her. I didn't even question it because I know how scandalous some baby momma's can be.

At the end of the third week, Adam started acting strange and then one night I woke up at 3 in the morning and he was still up. I went in the living room and tried to talk to him and he wouldn't talk for the longest time. After about an hour, he told me he couldn't be with me anymore and that I needed to take him home. I was devastated (I was also very young for the record) but I refused to take him home at 3 in the morning. I used the excuse that I had to work the next day, but really I was hoping that he would change his mind.

I didn't get any sleep that night because I tried to rationalize with him over the whole situation. I went to work and was a zombie, came home and what little bit of stuff he did have (more specifically the shit I bought him over the past few weeks) was packed and he was ready to go. It was a Thursday, so I figured that since I was going to take him home, I was going to head to the pool hall by his parents house, also the same damn place we met.

I took a shower and took my sweet time getting ready, making sure to do my hair and makeup just right, wearing the low cut top for showing off some cleavage, hoping that I looked cute. I really didn't feel cute though. At that time I was a size 22, having just got back from college and working at a desk.

I dropped Adam off at home, went and picked up a few friends and headed to the pool hall. I think Adam didn't know I was going there because after a couple hours, his ass roles in with this red haired chick. Now, I am a firm believer that, for the most part, there is cute red haired chicks, and then there are some not so cute ones. Every now and then you will come across an average one, but this one looked like a bulldog to me. Worse off, he had his arm around her shoulders and kissed her before he went to the bar.

I kept it cool though, I tell ya. It was hard because every inch of me wanted to go up to that bar and scream at him, but I didn't give him the power. After little bit, I guess he noticed me and my friends because he came over and tried to act like everything was cool. I look at his "girl" and she is chatting with one of her friends, but kept looking at me. I ended up asking who she was, and he informs me that it's his baby momma. I turned around and walked off and went outside.

I probably wasn't outside too long before BM comes out there and point blank asks me if I had been dating Adam. I kick myself in the ass for this everyday now, but I told that bitch "No." She proceeds to tell me good because they have been together for 4 years and she knew better than to believe that he would ever be with a fat ass like me.

Should've told her then, but I looked at her, said I wouldn't waste my time on his ass and went back into the hall. I didn't speak to either one of them for the rest of the night, but I did go home a polish off a 1/5th of "SoCo" that night.

It was about a week and Adam called me to see why he hadn't heard from me. I hung-up on him and let the phone ring when he called back 20 times. I ended up showing up at a bar that he was at with his friends, sans "The BM."I made it a point to say hi to all his friends, and ignore him.

This was one of those bars I could drink at underage, so I proceeded to order a pitcher and put a straw in it. I was sitting there drinking on the pitcher when he came up to me and asked if he could have some. I told him nope, go call your BM. I would've figured that after a while, he would've left, but he didn't, and

I proceeded to get drunker. Then he started singing the songs from the jukebox to me, and I was done. I went outside to leave and as I was putting my car in reverse, I see his friend "James" standing behind it.

James was not letting me drive home, so I get stuck in a car with Adam and James. Insult to injury, Adam insisted on taking me home first. I acted like I was sleeping the whole thirty minute drive, while Adam attempted a conversation with me. When I got out the car at my house, I almost fell on my face and Adam caught me, and I lost it. I cried like a baby and he held me.....then he ended up staying the night :(

This started a four year cycle of him playing me and BM at the same time, while he was picking up other girls at other bars. I knew what was going on the whole time, BM didn't. I always told myself that if I changed me, then he would stop. I dropped to a size 14, he still did it. I worked 2 jobs so he didn't have to work, he still did it. I got him a cell phone on my plan, he still did it. Hews even engaged to BM and me at the same time! The BM and I had it out many occasions, as well as me and a few other fake bitches that would smile in my face and sleep with Adam because they thought I didn't know. I knew it all.

One night, we went out together. I was so happy because he actually paid and we had a great time. I was thinking in my head FINALLY! This big girl is going tube happy! We got back to his parent's house from the bar (we ended up having to stay there because I lost my house shortly after we broke up, then we got booted from our apartment because he kept taking the rent money to the bar instead of paying it) and he set his phone on our nightstand and went to the bathroom. It was about 2 in the morning and he gets a text message. I'm drunk and had my big girl panties on and figured, "Hmm...I pay the bill. I'm checking it."

The text was from some chick from another bar that was on my pool league! She texted, "SORRY BABY, YOU HAD TO MAKE THE FAT BITCH HAPPY. JUST REMEMBER I LOVE YOU.”I was shutting his phone when he walked back in the room. He asked what I was doing and if I would've been sober, I would've probably swallowed it and continued on. Alcohol changes you. I showed him the text and he lost it. He started screaming at me, saying I had no right to go through his phone and the only reason he was with a girl like me is because he felt sorry for me. Then I noticed his fist was cocked back and I was like,"Bitch if you're going to fucking hit me, hit me." Well, he didn't hit me but he put me up against the wall by my throat and started choking me. I started screaming and swinging. I had no idea what I was aiming at, but I was not letting him do this.

After a couple minutes, his dad busted in the room and threw him out the door. I dropped to the floor and started crying while I was screaming. His mom, a fellow chubby girl, came in and made me go in the living room. Adam and his dad were outside screaming at each other. Adam was calling me every name in the book and his dad was defending me. Adam then stormed back in the house and looked at me sitting on the couch with his mom. His nose was bleeding and swelling and his eye was puffy, plus he was bleeding out of his mouth. Immediately I panicked and I was going to apologize (stupid ass) but then he pointed at me and said, "This fat bitch is leaving tonight or I am." His mom looked at him and said, "Pack your shit."

He went in our room and started breaking shit, ripping my pictures, packing his clothes and I looked at his mom and told her I would leave in the morning. Regardless of what her son had done, he was still her son. I wasn't going to be the cause for ripping the family apart. After a little while, he quit throwing hit and his dad went in there and said I was leaving, but he still had to leave too. I set up a pallet on the couch (all the furniture in the bedroom was mine, but I didn't want any of it) and laid there, trying to sleep. I saw the light go off in "our" room and Adam walked out. He tried to give me a hug and I told him to get the fuck off of me. He curled up in the floor and cried.

I left the next day, and avoided him like the plague. He has sent me invites on Facebook and I ignore them. I still talk to the rest of his family, but they respect that I don't want any contact with him.

Basically, after that relationship, I ended up with my future ex husband. And the cycle repeated itself (minus the physical abuse). Now that I have been away from him for six months, I realize, I don't deserve any of that shit just because I'm bigger. I deserve to be happy and be with someone who will love me for me and even when they are irate with me, they won't throw my weight in my face. I am finding I am happy being a bigger girl. I still have my self conscious moments, but so do everyone else. My dearest friend in the world is 5'1" and 107lbs soaking wet. She is absolutely gorgeous and she still has her own "Self-doubt Days." So what if someone doesn't like me if I'm big? Then they aren't worth my time. I wish it hadn't taken me 10 years to figure this out BUT I wouldn't change a thing.

I have now started talking to someone who I've known for 16 years, and he loves me the way I look. He says he kicks himself in the ass all the time for us not dating when we were younger, but he admits he was superficial, and he apologized for it. I told him it was in the past, let's work on the future and he tells me everyday how beautiful I am and how amazing of a person I am and that he is glad he decided to take a chance with me. He figured now I wouldn't be interested, but he was my first crush and now I got the guy!

Jill Scott - The Thickness (lyrics)